SPOILER ALERT: IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THE MOVIE YET, AND PLAN TO SEE IT, DON’T READ THIS REVIEW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

SO, I watched the new James Bond movie, and I was unimpressed. Actually, I was quite disappointed and saddened. I wouldn’t normally write a movie review, but I am 39 and I kinda grew up with the bond movies. They were and still are a source of inspiration for me as a geek and gadget freak.

The people behind Skyfall have chosen to thoroughly break the James Bond formula, and they did so quite ceremoniously. To illustrate, imagine a villain taking all that we loved about James Bond, putting it in a bucket and defecating into the bucket, then taking a piss into the bucket, blending the whole thing for 10 minutes before throwing the concoction onto the public’s disgraced and disappointed faces.

Here’s a breakdown of the James Bond formula, and how each of those elements were raped and sodomized:

Gadgets

The new Q is a lame “hacker”, not only does he not give bond anything cool beyond a gun that only Bond can shoot, and a stupid GPS radio, he even tells Bond “What did you expect? An exploding pen? We don’t do that anymore!”. Argh!!!

Women – Part 1

There is only one really “beautiful” woman in the entire movie, and not only does Bond not sleep with her, he promises her he can help her, except he fails miserably as she gets killed in front of his eyes by the villain.

Women – Part 2

James Bond of the past is clearly an unrelenting womanizer. The new James Bond is perhaps secretly bisexual. The villain fondles James, and insinuates Gay sex as a form of torture, and that theres always a first time for everything. James Bond responds “How do you know it’s my first time?”. I have no issues at all with Gay men, or Gay sex, but this feels like an unnecessary step to try and seem more gay friendly. That’s bullshit. Gay men don’t need this kind of gesture, they are intelligent and can see through this feeble attempt.

Awesome Cars / Vehicles

What awesome cars? Theres no cool car anywhere. Very lame and disappointing. In fact, James Bond does not even drive the only Jeep in the movie during a pursuit. Money-penny drives the jeep, manages to break both visors, and with a snide comment from Bond thats all there is to it. Oh and there’s the really stupid bike scene where they drive above rickety roofs in Turkey. We are supposed to believe those roofs can hold more than a 10 year old child. Really?!

Grand weapons of mass destruction

The most dangerous weapon is some kind of massive supercomputer built by the villain. To a geek, It looks pretty cool at first; Like thousands of naked motherboards hooked up in a grid. It is apparently used to crack encryption and penetrated MI6’s firewalls. But we are not told anything about this computer or what it can do, which is pretty lame. The villain is supposed to be proud of his evil weapons. There is nothing threatening the general population of the world, and James Bond does not save anything other than MI6’s honor and mandate from a vindictive villain who is a product of the same agency(!).

The MI6 Agency

In all previous movies, the agency is portrayed as this cool secret government organization working against evil forces and rogue states who are looking to either control the world, or destroy it, or die trying. Children used to WANT to be a part of MI6. Not in this movie! In Skyfall, the villain is a product of MI6 and is on a mission to kill M. It is insinuated that the organization itself is dangerous and flawed in its very essence. It’s almost like the script writer is a member of Anonymous, nay, maybe the script writer is Mr. Julian Assange himself! The agency barely survives to the end of the movie, moving to an alternative underground location after the HQ was compromised (from which the villain escapes as well!), with M dying in the end and being replaced by a male M (So first you try to appease Gay men, and now you slap Feminists on the face?).

What can I say. This was a sad, sad movie to watch. It offered no more action than a typical Bourne Legacy movie or a Jean Claud Van-Dam movie. Is this what the Bond Legacy deserves?